I wish I could express to you just how chaotic these past couple of months have been. Literally, so much has happened that it’s been insane.
For one, I had a girlfriend; had being the key word. She broke up with me the night before our one month, and I was absolutely crushed. I knew her type, flirtatious and pretty, so, somewhere deep inside me, I knew that the relationship would not end well. This wouldn’t by the significant other I’d have my “fairy tail wedding” with. One question that haunts me, though, is if I can’t handle breaking up with someone after nearly just one month, how do people deal with breakups after they’ve been with someone for over a year?
Shout out to all those people out there still looking for the perfect s/o. I feel you. Or, if you don’t feel the need for an s/o, then shout out for being yourself.
Another thing: my dysphoria has never been worse. Like, I’ve been beyond stressed lately, kept to myself, and been super irritable. All these things I’ve never noticed or cared about before keep me awake at night, so much that my friends say the bags under my eyes have become very visible. A lot of these details are personal, but I’m seeing a therapist soon, so for now, I’m basically living off protein bars and emo music. It’s like my dysphoria and anxiety is a little buzzing noise in the back of my head, always there; on some days louder, but others softer. I have plans to buy a binder soon. (Not the things you keep paper in, an actual chest binder.) Hopefully that will help. Because I can’t stand to wear a bra like ever, ever again. I use he/him and they/them pronouns, people. And as soon as I can, I’m going to get top surgery. My skin feels so curved and plasticity all the time, and it frustrates me more than anything else.
Another thing: in my spare time, I have been dabbling in writing on Wattpad. I have started a pretty sweet story there, if I do say so myself, which is mainly why I haven’t uploaded my other story onto this website yet. My profile name is the same as on this site, so go check it out, if you want to.
Also, I need to tell the rest of my family my gender identity soon. I can’t stand my aunts asking if I “have a boyfriend yet,” and the last time I saw all my relatives they mainly talked about my “beauty” and how “grownup” I am. I wanted to rip my hair out.
If anyone else can relate to these things going on in my life, then the only thing I can recommend is to find someone to talk to, because if it weren’t for my friends I’d be in such a worse place right now. They have been there for me, no matter what time or day I call/text them, and I cannot thank them enough.
Last but not least, I know that I haven’t included many details of my life, but it’s all very personal, and I get that may not excuse my absence from my site, so I’ll try to be better. In the meantime, you all are beautiful/handsome, and remember to take time for yourself, if needed. As always, keep calm and rainbow on!
P.S: I’ll make sure to post an actual post soon. Apologies. ^w^